I've Made Up My Mind

So, what happened?

tom — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 00:52:22 +0000

I gave up; pure and simple. There isnt’ much more to it. My wife and I are in the process of getting an divorce and I’m going to be single and just do what I want to do.

Sucks; yet it’s kind of liberating and a feeling of being set free from chains.

Posted in Uncategorized

I’ve been playing mind games

tom — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:42:37 +0000

I got an email from Jill on Saturday night that sent me into a spiral of despair. I’ve pulled out of it and now I’m headed in the right direction, but it was a very rough couple of days. My mind was all over the place. I wanted to go everything from suicide, walk away, start over in another place, be strong for her sack, and throw in the towel.

I was so confused about myself. I mean, who am I? Why am I alive? What is life here on earth about? Why am I bothering to even try to live by God’s standards? Is God really worth it? Is Jill really worth it? Would it be better to go off and live alone? Would it be better to go off and find a girlfriend? Would it be better to go off and find live a swinger lifestyle? Do people actually have fun at bars and parties? Do I want that lifestyle? What would Kimberly grow up to think of her father? Would I ever get to hold my unborn baby if I did those things, or would he/she hate me?

Jill says she doesn’t hate me, but how can she not? What do I mean to her? She would be better off without me, right? She has God…he’s enough for her right? So, why stay here? What will David do about my job if I say I’m leaving the fellowship? ……

And on and on.

My mind was messed up. And then Jill called me Sunday afternoon to check on me. To be sure I wasn’t too depressed and giving up. She actually cared how I was doing! Why?!? I cried out to God after talking to her and turned myself over to him. Totally over to him. All my sexuality, all my thoughts and feelings. It’s his now. I asked him to control it and I’ll ask his permission to use it and he can say “yes” or “no” and I’ll live by his leading.

And guess what. The last two days have been better. I want to do what is right. I want to be a strong godly man. Oh, I’m tempted. Very tempted. But I don’t own my sexuality. God does.

The Pain, Guilt, and Humiliation

tom — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:47:59 +0000

This is an attempt to write down what the pain, the guilt and the humiliation felt like so that I will always remember.

How do I even begin to describe what’s it like to admit to Jill what I’ve been involved in over the last 4 years? I can vividly remember the look in her eyes as I stood there in the hallway and started crying. The wondering in her eyes, her asking what is wrong, and me having to look back at her. I can see her whole body sag, the weight landing on her shoulders, and the dis-belief filling her eyes.

I keep asking myself “Why?! Why did I do this?” It was all worthless and absolutely pointless in view of loosing my wife and wonderful daughter. To think that I would risk loosing them in my daily life in exchange for some meaningless sex with some random stranger! To hear Kimberly ask, “Why is Daddy crying?” and “Don’t cry Daddy.” Oh, my heart was broken and I would have traded anything in that instant to not have done what I did in adultery.

Remember how I tossed and turned all that night wondering if I should tell Jim about the homosexuality. To feel the weight of it on my mind, keeping me from sleep. To remember how hard it was for me to tell Jim that morning on the phone that there was more I had to talk about with him. To explain to him what I had done, and then to have him ask about pedophilia or bestiality. Oh, the humiliation to be questioned about those.

When Jill looked at me and asked me “Again?!? Why did you do it again?” Remember the way you cried Tom? Remember the sobs shaking your body? Remember your eyes flooded with tears? Remember thinking it would have been easier (and better) to have died?

Remember the look on Jay’s face? Remember his anger, and just think what he must be going through. And then think how I would feel if some guy treated Kimberly like I treated Jill.

My heart aches when I talk to Kimberly on the phone, when I hear how her day went, when I talk to Jill and feel her hollow lack of hope in her voice. It’s so hard to not hear “I love you” at the end of a phone conversation. Every time I hang up the phone, I break down crying, and my whole body shutters with grief.

What have I done?!?

Oh God, help me to remember this pain when I am tempted to sin with pornography, with flirting, or with adultery. Help me to remember the pain!

A brief history

tom — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:46:53 +0000

Since I was a teenage I have been involved in numerous activities not befitting one who claims to be a Christian. I have know I am saved, yet I willfully sinned against God and I am going to write out below what I have been involved in over the last twelve or so years.

As a freshman in high school, I had no friends. My peers rejected me so I sought out some way to ease that pain. I discovered that I could walk tot he public library during my lunch time off campus and read novels that contacted sexual plots. These sexual highs seemed to ease the pain and I began to sneak them home to read and masturbate based on the fantasies.

After my eighteenth birthday, I bought my first Playboy and those fueled my mind for the next year until I got my first computer with Internet access as a freshman in college. First of all, the computer was in my room and secondly, my parents knew nothing about computers so I was free to do as I wanted online.

I also began to flirt with girls at work. The banter was sexual in nature and progressed to the point of going out dancing at clubs with several of them. I even went so far as to buy one girl a vibrator for her birthday. During this time I started going to the nude beach a Pirate’s Cove. Between work and classes I found time to head down there for an hour or two and tan. I went there weekly for awhile but eventually that too was boring. Boring in that I had degraded so much that I was callous to it.

At this time I started to court Jill. I was able to kind of turn away from porn at this time as my mind switched to thinking of her. I would still occasionally go back to porn to seek comfort. Even with Jill in my life I had always thought a wife would make the urges to away) I was hooked to porn like a drug.

In 2003 I discovered the use of webcams and chatooms to further my addiction and self -gratification. I started flirting with girls and then moved into talking to each other on webcams and eventually I started to find girls that would expose themselves or even masturbate for me on the their webcam. I would stay late for work or get to work early so that I could do these things. I believe Jill suspected but she never said anything.

The guilt associated with my activities was terrible and I knew I was living a double life and being deceitful with Jill so in the spring of 2004 I broke down and told her about my problem with pornography. I sought help from Jim the next day. Over the next few months we had lunch occasionally and he attempted to help me. I gave up porn at this point and started my current job. Jim and I started having lunch weekly and he continued to encourage me.

After six months of success in my own strength I started to dapple in porn again. After letting my mind go there so often I decided to see what sex with another girl besides Jill would be like, and in April of 2005 I committed adultery with a girl I found in a yahoo chat room that lived locally. I felt terrible and guilty and horrible yet three weeks later I found another lady on Myspace to have sex with and my conscience started to harden.

Over the next year I had sex with eleven different women. Most of these were one-night stands. But with two of the girls I had sex multiple times (three or 4 each). They ranged in age from 18 to 40 and we usually got a hotel room for a few hours and went our separate ways. I found most of the girls on Myspace. I would flirt, tease and talk for days/weeks until we hooked up and then never talk to them again.

One of the ladies I was talking to convinced me to have a threesome with another guy friend of hers the first and only time I meet her. We took turns having sex with her while the other watched and then she asked him to pleasure me orally. In the heat of passion I said yes and then did the same for him while she watched. That was in July of 2005.

In the spring of 2006, I convinced another girl to let me watch her have sex. Two times we met up and had threesomes, but it was just us taking turns with her and there was no guy-guy action.

Just a few weeks after this is when I confessed to Jim my activities. I confessed my adultery but I didn’t tell him about the oral sex with another guy. I was too embarrassing and humiliating.

In July (two months later) one girl contacted me again and I gave into the temptation, so I found myself back in the same problem all over again. I started watching porn again, but more group activities and even some gay porn. From the Fall of 2006 until Jan/Feb of 2007 I experimented orally with four guys. I found them on Craigslist and we would met during my lunch hour at their house. These were one time things and I would always hate myself afterwards.

I stopped being involved with guys and went back to having sex with ladies. From then until November 2007 I found four ladies to play around with. Two of them had their husbands present and we took turns. During this time I was still heavily involved within pornography. I continued to deceive, live and lead a double life to Jill and Jim. When Jim point-blank asked me what I had been involved in and if I was still in pornography I had to tell him the truth.

I have been involved in some terrible, disgusting things and pornography still ha s a huge pull on me. It’s a daily struggle to not turn back to it.

Pray for me.

Well….I came clean

tom — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 16:43:49 +0000

On February 22nd, my pastor asked me to meet him for coffee after work. I was worried….I had a feeling I know what he was going to ask. And he did.

I told him everything I had been involved in, from the pornography, the threesomes, the group sex, and then I had to go home and tell my wife. How can you do that? How do you tell the person you love and live with, are married to, what you’ve been involved in over all these years?

I had already confessed to some affairs two years ago, and she thought I was a changed person, but here we were again but even deeper in sexual addiction.

That night, my pastor asked me numerous times if there was anything more. But he asked me in front of Jill and I was too embarrassed to say ‘Yes’, so all that night I tossed and turned in the guest room and didn’t sleep a wink. In the morning I called him up and told me about the oral sex with other guys. That was humiliating…

Jill moved out on Monday. She’s seven months along with our baby, and my little daughter doesn’t understand why we are living apart. Every time I see her she runs to me and hugs me and talks constantly about her days and what she’s been up to.

I miss her so much… I don’t know if Jill will take me back this time. She did the first time two years ago, but why should she take me back this time? Why? I’m so lonely. I don’t know whether to write her off and move along toward divorce, or to stick it out until she makes up her mind one way or the other.

It all started here

tom — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 17:04:08 +0000

…when I was teaching my daughter Romans 10:9

“For if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord’, and believe in your heard that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

This made me stop and think: I have decided to follow Jesus, but why was my life not that way? I had not yet fully given Him everything and I was wollowing in my own guilty pleasures, doing only half of what He wanted. So, in reality, I wasn’t living for me.

So, I’m made up my mind and I’ve decided to start living as He would have me live. Here we go.